08
Oct
08

Email – Wax anyone?

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,painless removal – The Epilady, scissors,razors, Nair and now…the wax.Read on……..
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,play with the kids. I then had the thought thatwould ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I shouldpull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hotwax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm andyou peel them apart and press them to your leg(or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I ammechanically inclined enough to figurethis out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each otherstuck together. Instead of rubbing themtogether, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to1000 degrees. (’Cold wax,’ yeah.right!)I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.It works!
OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this!Hair removal no longer eludes me! I amShe-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skinextraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneakback into the bathroom, for the ultimate hairfighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on thetoilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side ofmy bikini line, covering the right half of myhoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a longstrip).
I inhale deeply and brace myself….RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half thestrip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP!Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious Do Ihear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has causedme so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking toit. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. Ihold up the strip!
There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see thehair. The hair that should be on the strip..it’s not! I touch…
I am touching wax!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is nowcovered in cold wax and matted hair. Then Imake the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon thetoilet? I know I need to do something.So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do andthink to myself ‘Please don’t let me get theurge to poop. My head maypop off!’ What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottes&$$+ I can standinto the bathtub, get in, immerse thewax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used totorture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions gluedtogether, is having them glued together and thenglued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by theway, doesn’t melt cold wax.
So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cementedmyself to the porcelain!! God bless the man whohad convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in thebathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has somesecret of how to get me undone. It’s a very goodconversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to thebottom of the tub!’
There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removalbut she does try to hide her laughter from me.She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talkingcheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’
She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundownand she suggests I call the number on the sideof the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of so meone else’s night. Whilewe go through various solutions. I resort totrying to scrape the wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than tohave your girlie goodies covered in hot wax,glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving thesticky wax off!! By now the brain is notworking, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going toneed Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for thisevent
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my savinggrace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and… OH MYGAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kidsand scared the dickens out of my friend. It’s sooo painful, but I reallydon’t care. ‘IT WORKS!!’
’It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangsup. I successfully remove the remainder ofthe wax and then notice to my grief and despair.THE HAIR IS S TILLHERE…….ALL OF IT!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I’m going to try hair color

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Recent migration to wordpress from blogspot the original blog can still be found at teapls.blogspot.com I have link all image sources on the image itself I will always reference my source whenever possible but with so many images floating around the net, it is pretty hard to identify which image belongs to who. If I have not given the source proper credit, inform me and i will correct it immediately

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